This Side of the Pond

When you think of ultra-expensive properties, the skyscrapers of Dubai or the sprawling modern palaces of Malibu are what probably spring to mind.

You would be incorrect in thinking these are the most spendy housing options in the world.

The most expensive home on the entire planet just sold to a new owner and it’s located on a little spit of land jutting out from my home town of Poole.

I know, I was surprised too.

North Haven Point is on Sandbanks, on a road that’s known as “Millionaire’s Row”. It sold for £13.5 million (or just under $17 million).

There are no doubt Hollywood residences that have gone on the market for more, but the tag of “most expensive” is tied to how much this bungalow cost per square foot. Specifically, the new owner spent an eye-watering £4640 for every floor tile.

British houses, you see, are generally much smaller than their American counterparts – they have to be, or we’d never fit everything in. This house is just 2909 square feet in size.

Don’t worry, it comes with a bigger yard than most of us Brits get – he’s bought himself a whopping 1.4 acres.

This skyrockets the value of Sandbanks properties above all the obvious competitors, including Monaco, Hong Kong and New York City.

You are no doubt wondering what on earth could compel someone who is sensible enough to have earned himself that many million pounds to spend it on a tiny house in a seaside town in Dorset. Well, he’s not the first to fall in love with it and he surely won’t be the last.

North Haven Point belonged to the same family for 117 years, because once you own a Sandbanks property, it’s going to take a lot to persuade you to part with it. Located on a corner lot, the house has an uninterrupted 270-degree view of the second largest natural harbor in the world, as well as Brownsea Island (the site of the very first Boy Scouts camp) and a beautiful coastline.

Millionaire’s Row boasts just 13 houses, so they’re a rare sight at the real estate office. They attract the rich and famous – John Lennon owned one back in 1965, and legendary soccer manager Harry Redknapp owned a property there once too. Other occupants include a celebrity interior designer and a television sports pundit.

The beach nearby is also one of the most beautiful in Britain, maintaining its Blue Flag status for more than 30 years. Gorgeous golden powdered sand and clean water, with plenty of ice cream kiosks to hand.

I rarely visit, myself, because everyone else knows about it too, so you barely get a grain of sand to yourself in high summer. I’ve heard tales of having to park three miles from the beach and walk the rest of the way.

(I prefer Branksome Chine, which is just up the road but gets ignored because it’s too close to the main attraction – just as beautiful, but more room to stretch out your towel. Top tip, there, if you ever visit Dorset.)

Most of the houses on Millionaire’s Row are of the type that justify Sandbanks’ reputation as “Britain’s answer to Miami Beach”. Sleek and modern with huge windows, they are meticulously maintained and shine in the sunlight.

North Haven Point? Not so much.

It seems the previous owners haven’t done all that much in the way of updates since the middle of the last century. The kitchen is still Formica, with dated cork tiles, and the walls are not insulated.

Fortunately, I’m guessing this guy can afford the heating bill.

The sea defense wall at the bottom of the yard has completely collapsed, there are cracks in the doors and ceilings, the outbuildings are falling down and the swimming pool (as if you need one when you’re six feet from the ocean) is apparently a “death trap”. Worst of all, the new owner says the building is full of mold.

Having shelled out £13.5 million, he’s now sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag and sitting on fold-out chairs in his living room. I feel bad for him, but not too bad – he’s surely got enough petty cash left for a motel room.

He’s planning to knock the whole thing down and replace it with a “family home that will stand the test of time”, using local tradesmen and locally sourced materials. I imagine this description went a long way to reducing the nostril flares from the council.

And so, I think it’s safe to say that we can guess the real reason for the purchase. The new owner did not buy the property for its ceiling tiles; he bought it for the location, and I don’t blame him there for a second.

It took me a while to figure this out, because I was distracted by the orange Formica cupboards and didn’t see the potential. Which is exactly why this gentleman is a multi-millionaire business owner with offices in numerous countries and an unmatched beachfront property to his name, and why I will never be anything of the sort.