This Side of the Pond

I’m here this week with the refreshing news that Britain’s prime minister is just as dodgy as we’ve always suspected he might be. Floppy haired and charming he may appear, but Boris Johnson is once again facing the ire of a nation.

This is hardly the first time he’s irritated the public. He stretched the truth about bendy bananas during the Brexit fiasco (I wish I was joking that the shape of fruit dictated the future of a nation); he tried to close down Parliament to stop them making decisions before they made one he didn’t like.

He literally hid from a reporter in a fridge when he didn’t want to answer a question; and let’s not forget the expensive curtains he installed at 10 Downing Street to the chagrin of everyone who pays taxes.

But this time is different. This time, Boris is being investigated by the police.

I don’t rate his chances, either, going on the excuses he’s come up with so far. “Partygate” might just be his undoing.

If you’ve managed to get this far in life without encountering our clown-like prime minister, you should know that his rise to the highest of British powers was inexplicable to some. Here’s a man who deliberately ruins his hairdo every morning to look more approachable and has a long and dedicated history of acting like a buffoon.

But that’s precisely the appeal of the man. Despite being educated at the best schools in the nation, possessing clear intelligence and fancying himself the successor to Winston Churchill, he feels safest playing the fool – and it works.

We like the fact he doesn’t take himself too seriously and that we can always rely on him to do something ridiculous that we can all roll our eyes about around the water cooler. We enjoy that he seems to invite us to the inside of the joke, because it makes him seem like a friend.

Something about his knowing winks and willingness to mock the very institutions we all rely on makes Boris Johnson seem like “one of us”, but in better-tailored suits and with a deeper knowledge of Parliamentary procedure. Don’t worry, he seems to say, I think all this governing business is ridiculous too, but I’m going to sort it out.

It’s becoming clear that this was a trap. Boris Johnson either hasn’t got a clue what he’s doing, or we weren’t in on the joke after all.

There’s a lot of hot water in Boris’s bathtub right now, but the saga begins two years ago. Back then, the UK was in a lockdown far stricter than anything we experienced here.

In May, 2020, Boris’s private secretary sent an email to about 100 people, inviting them to “socially distanced drinks” in the back yard of 10 Downing Street. Pictures recently emerged of about half that number of officials and aides enjoying beverages in the evening sunshine.

At first, Boris denied he was there. When that didn’t work, he said he didn’t realize it was a party.

His excuse was that he had read an invitation email that specified everyone should bring their own booze and thought he was going to a “work gathering”.

But then we found out there was another party, one month later, which Boris’s wife organized for his birthday. This one invoked even more ire when a member of the Conservative Party tried to argue that it was a surprise party, so Boris had no way to know about it and was “in a sense, ambushed with a cake.”

The allegations invoked fury, because they came at a time when loved ones had been separated for months, it was impossible to visit sick loved ones in hospital, weddings and milestone events had to be cancelled and travel was virtually impossible. Not to mention the thousands of people in mourning.

Unfortunately for Boris, details of even more parties emerged that couldn’t possibly have illustrated the point more clearly. Two leaving events were held for members of Downing Street staff on April 16, 2021, complete with alcohol and loud music that carried on into the early hours.

The next morning, Queen Elizabeth II sat alone on a pew within Windsor Chapel as she said goodbye to her husband of more than 70 years. Not even the monarch felt she was above the rules, not even on the worst day of her long life.

Boris tried everything. He apologized to the nation (reluctantly), he apologized to the Queen (not sure if he properly brushed his hair for that one, but he probably should have). He tried a variety of excuses, ranging from “I didn’t know there was a party” to “nobody told me the party would break the rules” (which, incidentally, are the rules he put in place) to “I was only there for ten minutes.”

None of it worked, and the calls for his resignation came thick and fast. Boris refused to step down, preferring to wait for the results of the inquiry.

Again unfortunately for Boris, Britain issues fines to those who breach lockdown rules, and sometimes even jail time. Last week, Police Commissioner Cressida Dick announced a criminal investigation into the behavior, saying there was “little ambiguity around the absence of any reasonable defense.”

On Monday, civil servant Sue Gray released the report from her inquiry, which listed no fewer than 16 parties at 10 Downing Street. Boris continued to resist the calls for his resignation, though you can imagine the scene in the House of Commons that morning.

Boris has now said we need to wait for the results of the police investigation before we draw any conclusions. This was canny of him, as we’ve been told it “won’t take longer than a year,” which is a lot of time for him to find new ways to distract us.

Will we all have calmed down by then, or will Britain refuse to accept leadership from people who won’t follow their own rules? In this topsy-turvy world we’re now living in, I really don’t know what to predict.