The bystander effect

The kid down the street won’t make eye contact and seems like he’s always sad, and on rare occasions you can see bruises on his legs. You can’t tell whether there’s a sensible, innocent explanation or you are witnessing a case of child abuse, so should you say something?

It’s a difficult question for any bystander to answer. Not everyone knows how specifically to go about making a report, and it’s natural to worry about the repercussions if you get this wrong.

But this Child Abuse Awareness Month, the staff at Crook County Family Violence (CCFV) want you to know the answer is always yes.

“If you suspect something, there’s a very good chance there’s something going on,” says Lisa Gennings, CCFV. “If they tell you something, kids very rarely lie about that kind of stuff.”

Helpfully, Wyoming law has been set up to make your decision easier. If you have reason to believe a child is in danger, you are legally obligated to pass that information to the authorities.

This, says Gennings, is because in Wyoming, every adult is a mandatory reporter. In other states, this only applies to professions such as teachers and doctors, but Wyoming extends the rule to everyone.

“By statute, if you suspect something, you are supposed to report it or, technically, you could be charged with child endangerment or something like that. Now, it’s not like that happens, but it is your job, no matter who you are,” says Gennings.

That goes for any suspicion whatsoever, Gennings says, whether you witnessed neglect or abuse yourself or have heard credible rumors through someone else.

Common Concerns

One of the biggest concerns people have when it comes to reporting abuse is that the child in question will automatically be taken from their parents.

“People have a misconception that the Department of Family Services (DFS) removes children. They do not, in this state; only law enforcement and doctors can remove children,” says Gennings.

“Calling DFS is anonymous and the worst thing that can happen is they do an investigation and there’s nothing there. The only place that information goes is on their personal database, which is not shared with anybody, so it’s not like there’s anything that goes on anybody’s record. Nobody gets in trouble if there’s not a reason for them to get in trouble.”

Another oft-quoted worry is that, as bystanders, we’re not experts in what’s happening within someone else’s family. What if we’re wrong and there’s no need for an investigation at all?

“I can tell you that law enforcement and DFS have both told me they would much rather so-called ‘waste their time’ and find nothing than have something going on and they missed it,” Gennings says.

“If you’re wrong, you’re wrong, but my guess is that happens a whole lot less than being right.”

There is also no reason to fear that the family will find out you were the reporting party, she adds.

“You can stay anonymous and it’s not like law enforcement or DFS are going to say who called – they don’t do that,” she says.

More Common Than We Think

“One in four girls, before they are out of high school, are sexually or physically abused, and one in six boys. There are 39 million adult survivors of childhood abuse in America today,” says Gennings.

“What we know is that sexual assault on K-12 children is three times higher than physical abuse and, of course, that leaves way fewer signs.”

The statistics in Crook County, adds CCFV Director Sandy Stevens, are right in line with these averages.

“When COVID-19 hit, the child abuse numbers went down,” Stevens says, quoting statistics learned through the Department of Family Services Advisory Council, of which she is a board member.

But while that might seem like great news, it’s actually because the primary reporting parties for child abuse are teachers, who were no longer seeing the kids in person. During COVID-19, most cases were reported through DFS or law enforcement and tended to be the most severe instances.

“When the schools opened back up, the reported numbers went back up,” she says.

On the other hand, Stevens says, “The one thing that did go up during COVID-19 was domestic violence calls, because everyone was sheltered in, and then you compound that being sheltered in with the stress of everything that’s going on during COVID-19.”

A possible implication of this fact, Stevens agrees, is that child abuse and neglect may have been more prevalent during COVID-19 due to the increased opportunity and how much easier it became to hide it.

We’ll never know the true numbers, but this possibility does illustrate how vital the community can be in their role as reporting parties for the victims who cannot advocate for themselves.

Spotting the Signs

Signs of abuse can differ dramatically depending on the situation and can sometimes be as simple as witnessing something that doesn’t feel normal or right. In adolescents, the signs can include self-injury, bad personal hygiene, drug and alcohol use, sexual promiscuity, depression and anxiety, running away from home, suicide attempts, fear of closeness and intimacy and compulsive eating or dieting.

In younger children suffering sexual abuse, signs might include problems sleeping, being distracted or distant, a change in eating habits, mood swings, trouble swallowing, unusual fear of people or places, refusal to talk about a secret shared with an adult, talking about a new older friend, suddenly having money, toys or gifts without reason, talking of their body as repulsive, dirty or bad or exhibiting adult sexual behaviors or knowledge.

Physical abuse can be easier to spot as it will often leave visible indications, but other signs can include behavioral changes and, says Stevens, regression to an earlier developmental stage. A five-year-old, for example, may revert to baby talk, toddler defiance and bed wetting.

“A thing to keep in mind is that there are situational things that might cause these as wells, like during a divorce or a family pet dies or they’re having problems at school with friends,” Gennings says. This, says Stevens, is why it’s often a teacher who makes the report, because they are aware of situational factors in the home that could explain a child’s behavior and they also know when no such factors exist.

As a bystander who may not have access to that knowledge, it’s still important to report.

“You do not have to be an expert,” says Gennings. “If you think there’s something going on, call DFS. Get it into the hands of people who can help.”

Positive Outcomes

Even if you’re not sure that what you witnessed was child abuse, Stevens points out that you are still doing the right thing by letting someone know. Even if it wasn’t an example of abuse, it was enough to alert you that something wasn’t quite right and the family is in need of help.

In some cases, it could simply mean that the family is going through a tough time and is struggling, for example, to find ways to handle a child’s behavior.

Nobody is born with a parenting manual in their hands, and everyone makes mistakes. But there’s a stigma attached to the idea of “being a good parent” and often, says Stevens, families feel their community will judge them if they admit to struggling, which makes it harder to reach out for help.

“I don’t know any parent who said, oh yeah, I had it all figured out immediately,” says Gennings.

Bringing a family to the attention of the DFS means giving them the opportunity to find out about the tools offered by the department to help parents learn better or more effective techniques.

“It puts these kids on the radar and the DFS offers safety planning and resources for that family,” Stevens says. This can include anything from parenting classes to financial advice and help to build a support network around the family – things that could be of use to almost any parent.

“It doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent if you take these resources. There’s no shame in saying you need some help,” Stevens says.

Similarly, child neglect can occur when a family is going through a hard time. Reporting that to the right people can bring assistance to the family that they were unable or unwilling to access for themselves.

“Food is an issue for some people and when children can’t go to school and get their free lunch and sometimes breakfast, the family can’t afford it,” Gennings says. “In that instance, the help can be making sure someone picks them up packages from the food pantry. It doesn’t have to be a negative thing.”

How to Report Abuse

Reporting a potential case of abuse to DFS can be done either by phone or through the department’s website. It’s helpful if you are able to provide the child’s name, age and/or address, as well as details of the situation that has caused you to concern.

“You want to give them as much information as possible, so they know what to look for,” says Stevens. For example, if you witnessed bruises on a child, it can be helpful to explain exactly where on the body they were so the child’s clothing doesn’t obscure potential evidence during a DFS visit.

“Of course, let them know if the child has actually disclosed to you, especially in cases of sexual abuse where it’s so much harder to see the physical signs,” Gennings says.

If a child does speak to you about a situation of sexual or physical abuse, Stevens says it’s important to be aware that the actions you take in that moment can have a vital impact on what happens next.

She recommends simply asking the child to tell you more; avoid putting words in their mouth as much as possible. It’s important not to promise the child anything, she says, but to let them know that you will be calling the right people to help them.

The reason for this, Stevens says, is that there is always the potential an abusive parent will know how to say the right things to convince law enforcement or DFS that nothing is going on. But once they leave, the parent can threaten the child with harm if they try to speak up in the future.

“That child will never, ever disclose again – to anyone,” she says.

In adolescence, a kid’s best friends are among the most likely people to notice the signs of abuse. If you are that friend, or if your child tells you they are worried about a friend, the SAFE2TELL hotline is designed specifically as a way for kids to report their concerns safely and confidentially. Find out more at http://www.safe2tellwy.org.

Crook County Family Violence is willing to organize training to members of the community who feel they would like to learn more about spotting the signs of abuse and reporting incidents. This could be especially helpful to those who are in regular contact with children, such as pastors; call the office if you have an interest in participating in training.