Continuing the Crook County News Since 1884

This Side of the Pond

Notes from an Uprooted Englishwoman

As always, I like to take the opportunity at Christmas time to reflect on the good things in this world. It’s been a difficult year for all of us, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy some holiday cheer.

First up, we have a nine-year-old from Essex in the UK, who understands that honesty is always the best policy. “I’ve tried hard to be good but miserably failed,” she said in her annual letter to Santa. “I’ll be honest, I do deserve a coal.”

Nevertheless, the cheeky young thing felt she would still like a present. With no ulterior motive than to assist the jolly elf in his shopping, she provided a list of appropriate gifts with handy tick boxes so he could keep track of how many he’d obtained.

Her list included three newly released games consoles, DJ set, latest cellphone model, new computer, laptop, snake (species not specified) and a trip to France (five tickets in total). Also a panda and penguin, which she stressed should be delivered alive.

“Hopefully you succeed to fulfill all my requested items,” she said, before providing him with an address.

Now, Justin Bieber was somewhat after my time, so I never did see the appeal. You hit a certain age and these teenage pop stars just look like nobody taught them to pull their trousers up properly.

I must grudgingly share my admiration for Bieber this week, however. In 2015, he asked his many, many fans to download a charity single by the National Health Service (NHS) Choir instead of his own Christmas song – and it worked. The single took the number one spot on Christmas Day and raised lots of money for charity.

Five years later, he asked if they’d like to record a song together. Bieber and the choir, which is made up entirely of healthcare workers, covered “Holy” together.

It’s out this weekend and will vie for the Christmas number one spot in the UK. All profits will be split between NHS charities to recognize the extraordinary efforts of those on the medical frontline this year.

Next up, news that one of the richest people in the world has a smaller piggy bank this Christmas. I speak of MacKenzie Scott, who used to be married to Amazon founder (and my ex-boss) Jeff Bezos.

Rich people giving away money has always made sense to me. I mean, after the first couple of billion you’ve already bought the fancy car and that cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwarzenegger that you could never justify but always secretly thought would make an excellent burglar deterrent. If you’re MacKenzie, what are you going to do with the other $58 billion?

You’re going to give more than $4 billion to 380 food banks and emergency relief funds to help families struggling in the pandemic – having already given $1.7 billion to charities in July. MacKenzie has signed the Giving Pledge, a commitment by the world’s wealthiest individuals to dedicate the majority of their wealth to giving back. Apparently she did not need to be told the story of Ebeneezer Scrooge.

Next, a flashback to last week’s column: another strange monolith has appeared. This time it’s in Texas, but there’s something different about this one.

The newest of the mystery metal columns has a message on the side that simply reads: “Merry Christmas to Earth.” I told you it was aliens.

Over in Adelaide, where the Australians still insist on thinking it’s supposed to be sunny at Christmas, one family got a cuddly holiday surprise. The McCormick family decided on a silver, pink and blue theme this year and decorated their tree accordingly.

The next day, they came home in the evening to find the ornaments all over the floor – and a young koala perched halfway up the tree. She was tangled up in the fairy lights with a disappointed look on her face, having discovered that plastic leaves aren’t as tasty as they look from outside the window.

This family wasn’t the only one enjoying a wildlife-heavy Yule, either. The police were recently called to a home in Scotland to catch a sparrowhawk, which swooped inside when the door opened and spent 40 minutes sitting calmly on top of the Christmas tree.

It wasn’t being aggressive, but the homeowner didn’t really know what to do about it. The cops were able to help though, with the assistance of the North East Wildlife and Animal Rescue Centre.

The rescue team reported the apprehension of an intruder suspected of stealing Christmas decorations. “After a full body search, she was released without charge,” they said.

The police also felt things had gone swimmingly: “Definitely a change from a partridge on a pear tree.”

I suspect the hawk got his inspiration from the tiny saw-whet owl that was found squatting in the branches of the 75-foot Rockefeller Christmas tree. This was probably not the best place to look for ideas, though, as the poor thing hadn’t eaten for three days while the tree was transported from Oneonta, N.Y. to the middle of New York City.

All’s well that ends well. The tiny infiltrator should be back in the wild by now, finding another inappropriate site for his nest.

This is also the case for the critter that took a fancy to a woman’s Christmas tree in Tallahassee. A cat found its way indoors through her doggy door in the middle of the night and settled down for a.

The woman filmed herself attempting to remove the cat, first by brandishing a frying pan and then by spraying it with a bottle of vinegar. She even attempted to poke it with a figurine from the mantel.

It was at this point that both the woman and her dog realized they were not dealing with a cat. Nope, there was a full-grown raccoon now in residence.

The dog came up with its own removal plan and wrestled the raccoon from the tree, which promptly collapsed to the ground. The raccoon, which was in a much better condition than the tree, scarpered into the living room and spent the next hour perched on an overhead light fixture.

The woman eventually managed to get rid of her new friend with the assistance of a broom. In hindsight, she should maybe have called the Scottish police instead, because if that coon left without stealing some of her Christmas lights, I’ll eat my Santa hat.