Continuing the Crook County News Since 1884

This Side of the Pond

Notes from an Uprooted Englishwoman

It’s not that I condone bad behavior, it’s just that some naughtiness is so majestic it’s hard to condemn the perpetrators. Such has been the case with some of my old neighbors across the pond who haven’t been following the rules of this pandemic properly.

The story that has brought me the greatest joy from the “I shouldn’t laugh at this, but…” category takes place in a pub in the English city of Sheffield. Like every other pub in the nation, it was told to close its doors when the pandemic first hit.

Not long after this announcement was made, police started getting calls from local residents about the Pitsmoor Hotel, which they were convinced was still open for business despite the national orders. Officers dutifully responded, staging a raid on the bar on a Friday night in the hopes of catching them in the act.

It didn’t seem to have worked – the whole place was empty. Not a soul in sight. Not a beer to be drunk.

But because it’s important to be thorough when you’re a police officer, they decided to take a look around. All, it turned out, was not quite as it seemed.

The pub really was open to customers and there really were a fair few folk indulging in cider from the tap, it’s just that they weren’t easy to spot. This is because all of them were hiding in cupboards.

That’s dedication to maintaining one’s social life, if ever I heard it. The pub, however, was issued a prohibition order and given a stern talking to.

Did it work? Well, everyone came out of their cupboards and went back home, but it wasn’t long before the phone at the police station was ringing off the hook again.

No doubt heaving a hearty sigh, the team went back to the Pitsmoor Hotel the very next day and flung open the doors. And then the cupboard doors. And then probably the doors to the fridge and the cellar and the bathrooms.

But this time, there was nobody behind them. It seemed patrons had taken the warning seriously and decided to spend the weekend in their homes, where they were supposed to be.

Or at least, it seemed that way until some lateral thinking helped the coppers figure out people were hiding on the roof. Just to be clear, we’re not talking a balcony-style roof or a flat top. Nope, these dedicated drinkers were clinging to a shingled slope with one hand and sipping lager with the other.

The local council, shockingly, did not find this amusing and revoked the owner’s license, so I hope the party was worthwhile. Meanwhile, over in the realm of the young and carefree, the UK’s teenagers appear to have found a new meaning for “multi-task”.

This tale begins with a perfectly normal visit to a supermarket by an elderly lady wearing the uniform of every female pensioner in Britain: grey, permed hair protected from the wind by a patterned headscarf tied neatly under the chin, spectacles perched atop a face mask, carefully ironed outfit covered by a windbreaker in any color that isn’t “too loud”.

The elderly lady tottered into the supermarket, purchased a couple of bottles of wine and tottered back out again. Safely back with her friends, she flung off the headscarf, brushed the talcum powder out of her hair and tossed the coat in the nearest ditch.

That was no elderly customer, ladies and gentleman. It was a local teenager who had figured out how to impersonate a person who wouldn’t be asked for ID by doubling up on the protection offered by her face mask.

She posted it all over social media, as teenagers are wont to do, as did all the other youngsters who followed her lead, so I’m sure it won’t be a problem for very long. In the meantime, I shall try to balance marveling at her creativity with wagging my finger at her naughtiness.

And finally, back into the bar for something a little bit different, this time down in Cornwall. Over the last couple of weeks, the UK has relaxed its regulations and the pubs have been allowed to reopen.

I’m sure we all remember those first surreal days of trying to get back to normal. Back in the UK, where the pandemic was worse than we’ve seen in Wyoming and lockdown lasted a long time, business owners were feeling understandably cautious. Unfortunately, the owners of the Star Inn found out fast that people weren’t interested in keeping their distance.

They tried putting up a polite notice, but patrons still insisted on leaning over and breathing in bartenders’ faces. Fed up of constantly being exposed to potential risk, they decided to put a stop to it once and for all…by installing an electric fence.

Fail to social distance as you order your shandy and you’ll know all about it in the Star Inn. The owners insist it’s turned off most of the time, but they do admit that it can easily be put to use as a deterrent. Proof, after the rest of the mischief we’ve talked about, that it is possible to use your creativity for the greater good after all.